Debate Unlimited Forum

NoCoPilot

I've just been thinking, should we consider marriage temporary?

Here's my real life moral dilemma (well, it's still speculative). My daughter's been dating her first boyfriend for almost a year, and they get along great. She's too young to get married but if she keeps seeing this guy she'll probably decided that's where they're headed.

But I know (from personal experience) that the person you are at 18 or 20 is vastly different from the person you are at 30. When you start narrowing your choices you become more set in your ways, more certain of what's important, and have a clearer picture of where you're going to end up. Somebody who marries young has a vanishingly small chance of ending up compatible with their spouse who is going through a similar journey. It happens, but it is exceedingly rare.

Is that any reason to deny my daughter a first marriage?

Cloud Walker · One with the Universe Joined: 28 Jul 2005 Posts: 5572

GreyMage

andkon

richard09 · Posted: Sat Jul 22, 2006 8:36 pm Post subject:

I say they should wait. They can live together, even, if it comes to that. But try to minimise the legal entanglements (no kids, no buying property together, or anything like that) until they're both three or four years older. That way, if the breakup does happen, at least sorting out the separation will be easier.

Exactly how much say you have in the matter is problematic, though. Hopefully, they'll listen to you.

EvilTeuf · Posted: Sat Jul 22, 2006 11:59 pm Post subject:

As far as I'm aware, the concept of a "temporary" marriage is not a new one; I believe that it was allowed, although not common, in ancient Rome.

NoCoPilot · Posted: Sun Jul 23, 2006 1:50 am Post subject:

Actually the concept of temporary marriage is widely practiced in Muslim countries (where it's called Nikah Mut'ah) as a substitute for prostitution.

But that isn't what I was thinking of....

Wildcard · Posted: Sun Jul 23, 2006 2:08 am Post subject:

I'd advise her to live with him for 20 or 30 years before making any rash decisions about getting married or having babies, those decisions shouldn't be rushed.

angelfish

[quote="andkon"]As the resident expert on sex, marriage, and women...[quote]

you mean you are or he is? : Wink

:

I think marriage is something to be taken very seriously. In a society that actually took committment seriously, would you be having this problem with your daughter? Not every committment, marriage or otherwise, will always end successfully, but at least in a society that didn't consider it a joke, people would do it wisely and for the right reasons. They would be aware of the consequences and significance of the act. There are a lot of reasons to get rid of marriage altogether, but we can debate that in another thread. For now, assuming that we have marriage, we should treat it with the seriousness it deserves and take "till death do us part" literally. Not many girls would marry at 17 if that idea had REALLY been pounded into their heads.

also, you said that a lot of people don't end up compatible who marry young. You may be right that it, um, narrows you somewhat, but I think the result is the opposite. In many cases people grow together, rather than developing individually and then trying to fit the puzzle peices together later in life. When people commit young and then grow as a unit, I think they (assuming they were sincere int he first place) have a much better chance of long-term compatibility. Now I'm not necessarily saying long-term success.... I don't have the evidence to back that up.... but just compatibility.

Look, people toss marriage off so easily, but I just want to say this: I'd give anything to have the opportunity to get married. It hurts so badly to look around and see people making a joke out a right that I'm unfairly denied in my country. The right to make a legal and social statement of long-term committment to another person isn't just a show.... it's about having your relationship honored and validated by your peers, family, friends, and government, and each-other. Let's face it, an emotional committment when your finances, taxes, wills, medical issues, insurance, etc. is intertwined is a very different type of committment than an emotional committment when all those things are independent. Tell that to someone who says, "living together is basically the same thing." it's not.... it's a totally different relationship when it has legal ramifications. It's also about standing up, making a choice, showing the maturity to do so. It's about accountability. There's nothing I wouldn't do for that right, and your daughter and everyone else like her had better make damned sure to understand how priviledged they are to be able to enter into a marital relationship, and take it for what it is. Some people get married for the tax benefits. Fine for them. but if you don't mean "till death do us part" then don't put it in the damn ceremony.

Jack

andkon

NoCoPilot

Clancy · Posted: Sun Jul 23, 2006 5:26 am Post subject:

Martin Willett

OliverBendix

NoCoPilot

Jack

Cloud Walker · One with the Universe Joined: 28 Jul 2005 Posts: 5572

NoCoPilot

angelfish

Cloud Walker · One with the Universe Joined: 28 Jul 2005 Posts: 5572

Kasira · Posted: Tue Jul 25, 2006 5:35 am Post subject:

Having been married young myself (19, he was 20), I......still don't know what to tell you.

If they can talk about problems, that's a good sign. The biggest problem between myself and my husband was communication. If they're talking about getting married, find out if they can talk about anything. I don't mean little arguments about taking out the trash, I mean big stuff like "Hey honey I cheated on you when we first started dating and she turned up with an STD" kind of talks. Without killing each other over it.

And it may not seem like a big thing to you older folks but paying bills....whooee. The first time living on my own, was with my husband. I'm terrible with money. You see how that one goes.

But despite all the crap that you go through, I think that getting married young can be okay. If they love each other enough to work through all the bs, the growing pains, forgive each other for the inevitable problems each cause, and above all TALK ABOUT EVERYTHING, even little things that bother each other....then they'll be alright.

(But then again I might be talking out my ass, it'll be 2 years Friday, longest relationship ever....ask me again in 8 years how it's going. Razz

)

Angelfish -- it's terrible that the idiots in power won't let two people who love each other get married, just because of gender. But don't lose hope, eventually they'll pull their heads outta their asses.