Letters to Nobody

I am republishing some email that used to be on my site. I had removed it at the request of the person I was corresponding with. But I have decided to restore my half of the correspondence, with minor deletions to protect the identity of the man of mystery and my children. I have also removed a few dull bits about websites and the first messages in the series. This all dates to spring 2000 through to September 2001. I think it all hangs together fairly well.

In reviewing and editing this material I am amazed by the way this material has contributed to the way the site developed. This originally formed five pages that were to some extent off the beaten track of the site but they operated very effectively at being a back door into the site and in that role have probably contributed enormously to the way the site developed. When this material was first written the site was building up towards its first thousand visitors, in total. Now I am anticipating that replacing this material will help the site grow the daily visitor count back up again. It currently stands at 6,000 per day. When this material is properly linked back into the site where it belongs that is bound to increase. There is a lot of material here, over 30,000 words, and lots of stuff which will boost the number of serendipitous hits.

America Love and Hate

Everybody I know has a love-hate relationship with the USA. The funny thing is we all love and hate different bits. I love American openness. I love pecan pie. I love hamburgers. I love NASA. I love a lot of American accents, even the funny squeaky comedy effect actresses like Frenchie in Grease. I am grateful for the Sherman tank (numbers if not quality). Same goes for the GIs... (unfair!)

I love just about all American food from buttered corn to prime rib. I love American fridge-freezers the size of Moscow apartments (lots of commission when I sell one, even if they are built in Korea).

I hate American Imperialism in Chile, Vietnam and Cuba. I hate American greed and over-consumption. I don't understand the Shania Twain style of American beauty, plastic women with mile wide mouths just don't seem to be legitimate targets of desire for me, I don't know why. (I'm not saying I wouldn't give her one...)

I love The Simpsons. I think South Park is overrated. I love Daria and Betty Rubble. I hate the bigotry. I hate the Klan. I hate the pork barrel politics. I hate the NRA.

I also feel slightly uneasy at how much of American life I am familiar with...

I love New York's urban chic. I love upstate New York and New England, the trees, the scenery, the quaint architecture. Whoops, this is going from beyond e mail into something else. Still, many of my best webpages start out this way, reply to e mail, bottle of wine, go offline to write in greater detail...

Your points:-

The monarchy

I hate the concept. Problem is that Elizabeth Windsor is one of the nicest people you are ever likely to meet. I would trade her for any of my relatives. Maybe things will be better for us English republicans (small r) when Charleyboy takes over. He talks to trees you know. Like his great great great (insert the right number of greats) grandfather George. I heard that the film was called "The Madness of King George" and not "The Madness of George III" because Americans would want to know why they couldn't see the first two films...

The concept is totally unacceptable to me. In your country the only criteria you have to being able to be top person is to be born there and be over 35. I am over 35 and I was born here but I would have to kill several tens of millions of people (mostly Germans) before I got to be King. Oh yeah, you also have to get elected, anyway, I'm sure you get my point.

The House of Lords.

Nice place, overheated they tell me. Red leather everywhere except that the top bloke sits on a woolsack in a full bottom wig. Do you know what a full bottom wig is? My Brother in Law has one, he's a QC, sort of like one of the Queen's lawyers but he gets paid by private clients. He charges my monthly income as his hourly rate, or something like that. He gave me this computer though, so I can't complain. The power of the House of Lords has been cut and it is now in the final death throes. Only 700 years too late. The hereditary peers have been swept away apart from a few nominated ones who have now become life peers. A life peerage is what you get if you are too old to sit in cabinet anymore or are too dangerous. Apparently Tory MPs get a life peerage when they reach a certain weight (or gravitas as they call it in public school).

National stereotypes:-

Do we have national stereotypes? Is the pope catholic?

The Scots

They dislike being called the “scotch” so I always use that term when I can. They are well known to be drunkards and tight fisted with money. Glasgow is the home of all public drunks, Glasgow exports drunks to all continents. All Glaswegians are called Jimmy. Glasgow is also the very best place in the world to get beaten up, white Zimbabweans will feel at home. Aberdeen is the home of the skinflint. Copper wire was invented when two Aberdonians fought over a penny dropped in the street. All Scots have thick ginger beards. They are proud to wear nothing under their kilts. How do you tell the clan of a Scot? Look under his kilt, if he's got two quarter pounders he's a McDonald.

The Irish

The Irish are thick, wear wellies and work on building sites. How do you confuse an Irishman? Put three shovels against a wall and tell him to take his pick. There is a grain of truth in this, Irish logic is a wonder to behold, it is just different. Perhaps it is because the Irish are so laid back. A Jamaican would need to smoke a whole kilo of ganga to get as mellow as an Irishman when he wakes up. The Irish logic is so lateral that it is nearly horizontal. I like the Irish as a people. I hate the Irish as a cause.

The Welsh

The English have had a relationship with the Welsh for a lot longer than the others. The Welsh are thieves, cheats and sheep shaggers. To Welsh is a verb meaning to dishonour a fair bet. I live in the county of Cheshire. The county town is Chester, the ancient Roman city of Deva, on the River Dee. I have heard that it is not an offence to kill a Welshman found in the City after dark, an ancient law that nobody has got round to changing. Seems reasonable to me. The Welsh have their own language. There are a few native Welsh speakers left. Both of them got up a petition and now every signpost in Wales is in Welsh and English. And every public sector job vacancy in the newspapers. And nothing else. Welsh speaking is very PC but nobody ever makes any money from it unless it is taxpayer's money. The Welsh National Assembly has no tax raising power...

Correction (?) My sister told me that the verb to Welsh is spelt welch. So it is, at least that is an alternative spelling that is offered. My dictionary shows either spelling along with that definition. It reminds me of the Royal Welch Fusiliers, a regiment raised in Wales. If I want a solicitor's advice I'll apply for Legal Aid.

To provide a reasonable facsimile of Welsh simply gargle with two pints of beer and a ferret, the noise you will make will sound exactly like Welsh. To give added voracity you must randomly add English words like "ljdbvb sdkjgbb bathing costume ,jgchgsag sony walkman ktctydytd Manchester United hmtrd gfxgr j,hcv Monica Lewinski jgfgd y khgc pint of bitter, please." Many Welsh words begin with LL which is pronounced by gobbing up a large wad of phlegm, and then swallowing it again.

You mention that you dislike Southerners. That is understandable. So do I. Yours and mine. Southern boys from the US of A suffer from ancestor deficiency, worse than the Welsh, and the Southern English are all homosexual shandy drinkers (shandy is a mix of 50% beer, 50% lemonade served in a glass that the landlord has gobbed in).

[Not everything in this e mail is to be taken too seriously]

If I was in your country I would be a Democrat. You think. Correct. In 1984 I decided that I must give you a hand in getting rid of Reagan. I spent three months and all my money on helping the cause. With spectacular success. At least I gained some memories that will last a lifetime; the view of the Statue of liberty from the Empire State building, buying a pizza crust for $20, two-all-beef-patties-special-sauce..., the fall foliage, the dorm of Mount Holyoke college, the guy with the wheelbarrow full of quarters at the peep show, being made to feel so welcome, then being offered a room that a rat would turn away from and having a secret serviceman approach me with his hand inside his jacket, and having to lie on the immigration papers when they asked me whether I intended to overthrow the Government of the United States of America.

What is the Liberal Democrat party? I almost joined. I have smoked a joint with a member of their front bench, on TV he's the youngish one with dark hair and one eyebrow. The Liberal Democrat party is the result of the fusion (take-over) of (by) the Liberal Party of the Social Democratic Party. The SDP were people who think very similar to Tony Blair. The Liberal Party were a bunch of arseholes who enjoyed not getting elected. I was a member of the SDP. I could give you a better analysis but not after such a lousy bottle of wine.

Correction: Matthew Taylor MP has two bold, manly eyebrows. And his lawyers are wonderful, caring people who probably would help old ladies across the road.

Mr Taylor has also revealed on BBC Radio 4 that he has smoked cannabis, but rest assured, he didn't enjoy it. Is that one up from not inhaling?

I think I better stop now, I have run out of people to insult.

Martin.

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Is Equality Possible?

I hope I didn't make too much of a fool of myself with my last e mail. I had a bit to drink and I was in a rather strange mood. I would just like to clear up a couple of points. All those racial stereotypes were meant to be funny. They are popular stereotypes in British culture, and naturally the PC lobby don't like them. Tough, I have never subscribed to the PC idea that not talking about something makes it go away. In the interests of balance I come from the north of England, and according to southerners that means I keep whippets and pigeons, keep coal in the bath and eat nothing but fish and chips.

Generally speaking I get on well with people who get on well with me. I am not particularly bothered either way if Scotland and Wales want to separate or stay united. What does make me angry is the attitude of many Scots, who will cheer for any sporting team that is playing England. We English would never dream of doing that, except in retaliation. The two-faced attitude annoys me, Scots are quite happy to punch above their weight as a member of the union but want everything on their own terms. I feel very like the father of a teenager, I want to tell them that they can't have everything their own way; if they want union they can have it, if they want separation they can have it, but don't expect to come home at weekends to get your washing done after spending all week saying how glad you are to be living alone.

Am I Conservative or Labour? Can I 'phone a friend? Since being able to vote I have voted Liberal, SDP, Conservative, Labour and Green. If you count in brief attachments I have supported causes from the authoritarian far right (although never racist) through to Communist and off on another tangent to libertarianism and back-to-the-land new age gobbledegook. I suppose at the next election (in a couple of weeks there is a local election) I will vote Liberal Democrat. They run the local council well, keeping costs under control but providing good services. They are a ragbag of ideologies but can actually manage the local council well. At the last General Election I wanted Labour to win but I voted Liberal because they had the best chance of keeping out the Tory. Last summer I voted Green in the European Parliament elections.

Why are Europeans snooty to Americans? Probably 90% jealousy and 10% a correct feeling of superiority. America is an enormous contradiction, everybody loves and hates it. You have some of the cleverest minds around and yet look at the audience of the Jerry Springer show. I could go on for ever about it, contradictions. The USA is always in the top or bottom five of any list you care to draw up. Nothing you ever do is average. How can any person be neutral about the USA? So we feel both superior and inferior to you. You are the drunken extrovert leaping up and singing on the tables at the party. Partly we want to be you, partly we wish you would sit down and behave like the rest of us. I'm sure you can relate to that a bit, no intelligent person could either entirely love or hate the USA, or it's people, ambivalence is essential.

For my part I think that the love easily outweighs the hate, but can never dispel it. Part of the Special Relationship between the USA and my country is the fact that England/Britain/UK usually comes between the USA and the rest of Europe in lists. We have the worst rate of teenage pregnancies, but better than yours. We have the highest rates of imprisonment, but lower than yours. We have the fattest children in Europe, but not as fat as yours. So you are like a view of where we are headed, a beacon or a warning sign.

Martin

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