The Kitchen Bitch

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5 year old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now... 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train cause we're going down the tracks"

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now, I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train...but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say...

"All passengers, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon"

She heard her little darling continue..." for those of you just boarding, remember there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today"

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen..."

A Jelly bean walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie. After a few beers the Smartie says "Ere, do you fancy going to that new club in town "

The Jelly Bean says "No mate, I'm a soft centre, I always end up getting my head kicked in."

So Smartie says "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after you."

So Jelly Bean says "Fair enough, as long as you'll look after me", and off they went. After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in. As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under the table, the Lockets take one look at Jelly Bean and starts kicking him, punching him and generally having a laugh. After a while they get bored and walk out. Jelly Bean pulls his battered jelly Bean body over to the table and wipes his Jelly Bean blood up and turns to Smartie and says "I thought you were going to look after me."

"I was!" says Smartie, "But those Lockets are bloody menthol".

Tips for Modern Life

* If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

* Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

* Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

* X-Files fans: Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.

* Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to what you want to look at.

* Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic.

* Anorexics, when your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.

* A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coathanger in an emergency.

* An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

* Olympic athletes: disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.

* Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink.

* Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of 'rodeo sex'. Take your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name. See how long you can stay mounted for.

* Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

* High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. (Thank you Mr Mathers of Detroit for that one)

* Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen, sticking half a melon skin on your head, then jumping red lights and driving the wrong way up one way streets.

* Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron fillings.

* Have all your dumps at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you''ll also be getting paid for it!

* Fiat Uno drivers: attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgem cars anyway, so it may as well look like one.

* A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock, will prevent you from going back to sleep

An Israeli doctor says "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor says "That is nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks."

A Russian doctor says " In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks."

The American doctor, not to be outdone, says "You guys are way behind, we just took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for work."