First Against The Wall

First Against The Wall...

Who will be first against the wall when the revolution comes?

Christians and Muslims can get to speculate who their god will send for torture to the infernal regions. Some, such as Dante and Bunyan, have found it quite possible to construct entire speculative geographies of the netherworld as if it was Middle Earth and to invent sins, categories of sin and fitting punishments. How did they have the guts to do such a thing and why did anybody take them seriously? Don't prophets have any overseers?

As an atheist such options are not open to me. I cannot imagine an atheist hell because that would just be an absurd contradiction. But I can do the next best thing, make a list of who would be first against the wall, and why, when the revolution comes.

Please note this is not intended to be serious and I have no desire to see any form of revolution, lots of reform but no revolution, still less do I aspire to mass executions. This is all fantasy, even in my fantasy the weapon of choice would be the air tommy gun, even more harmless than Bugsy Malone's splurge gun.

People who spit chewing gum onto carpets.

Whoever invented Clippy

in Microsoft Word 97.

The annoying cheerfulness is pretty bad but that tick tick tick knocking on the inside of the screen business is just too much.

The development team of Microsoft Windows ME.

People who think ALOT is a word.

People who think being born white is a great achievement that deserves a lifetime of special treatment.

Men who wear baseball caps to hide the fact that they're going bald.

People who do nothing for their country, not even vote, and think they somehow still deserve credit for its greatness.

People who bought or sold mortgages via spam email.

People who bought or sold anything else via spam email.

People who move to a different country and try to make that country like the country they left behind.

People who move to my country and try to make it like a place anybody in their right mind would want to leave behind.

People who think that anybody who disagrees with them is mentally ill, brainwashed or damaged by childhood trauma.

People who drive big heavy thirsty cars with the thought that in a crash they would be more likely to survive and the people in the other vehicle, me for example, wouldn't.

People who drive large vehicles and expect me to get out of the way because their vehicle would do more damage to mine in a crash than mine would do to theirs. Arseholes! Don't they pay insurance too? They'd better because I'm not going to yield my right of way just because their vehicle is bigger.

Anybody who regularly sits on the back two rows of seats on a bus. Anybody who deliberately sits as far away from the driver as possible has to be up to no good.

Anybody who puts their feet on a seat on a train. If you look closely you will see that the majority of under thirty year olds who sit opposite an empty train seat will put their feet on it. After the age of thirty this changes completely and much less than 10% of the over thirties ever do this.

The development team and "creative people" behind Big Brother.

People who think laws are for other people.

I only parked it there for five minutes sarge, honest...

The poo-poking pseudo-doctor on television.

Gorgeous George Galloway.

Neil Hamilton.

Anybody who judges other people by their body shape.

People who touch wood, or worse, their head, for luck as if they had a magical ability to wish bad events to happen unless they "unwished them" by touching a pagan symbol. Especially if they call themselves Christians. This is not the acceptable face of obsessive compulsive disorder it is a primitive superstition and probably also a form of sacrilege, hubris, idolatry and/or blasphemy too.

People who say "that's very Christian of you" or "you're a white man" when you do something human. Decency is human, not the preserve of one race, creed or culture.

Anybody who judges other peoples' morality by the clothes they wear or the language they use as if people who don't use "bad language" somehow can't or won't do anything hurtful or inconsiderate. There are several reasons for avoiding offensive language and many of them are encapsulated in religious humbug not respect for the imagined sensibilities of people listening. Many times I have come across people who wouldn't use “cuss words” because that would be a sin and would make the Baby Jesus cry but would be perfectly happy to make death threats instead as if Jesus would be just fine with that.

People who use excessive text decoration and punctuation. It's VERY VERY “annoying”!!!! It also comes across as illiterate and stupid so that I automatically start reading the text in a voice of an ignorant, ill educated buffoon unless I already know their voice and I know they are an ignorant buffoon.

People who think their religion makes them superior, especially when they deny that they do.

Along the lines of the offences of wasting the police's time and impersonating a police officer there should be a criminal offence of "wasting the media's time" and another of "impersonating a celebrity" not for people who do impersonations of people who are famous but for people who get the world to believe that they are famous and important without good evidence of them ever doing anything either clever or popular. The classic example of course is Paris Hilton, never has such media attention been built on so little talent except in the case of royalty.

Whoops. I almost forgot, the rest will have to form an orderly queue behind the man who will definitely be first against the wall when the revolution comes, unless we have to shoot him out of an oak tree:-

Charles Philip Arthur George Windsor

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